Catharsis

Or rather the need for it.

One aspect of a blog is the ability to lament, reflect and rant without anyone in particular to hear. It would be akin to a journal or diary – should you be writing your blog in that sense. Unfortunately, you also can’t give an uncensored, complete exposition of some things since there is the possibility that some people that you care might read it will read it. So I can’t seriously call a friend an asshole and give harsh criticism nor could I go off on a topic that I’d be uncomfortable having people know about me; basically, anything that would change people’s opinion of me without any of my own true input.

This seems to beg three questions: if they’re good friends of mine, why the fuck would I care; who besides good friends who know me would care to read my ravings; and does anyone really have any true control over other’s opinions of oneself.

I guess a lot could be attributed to being ‘professional’ and guarded with politesse. Should someone care enough to actually read it and become offended, it would be a lot worse than to just bottle up all the bullshit inside. After all, it’s much easier to label someone as an asshole, emo, flake, sleaze, air-head, et cetera, than it is to see that someone is expressing one side of themselves. Of course, that is if they’re even comfortable and confident enough to do so – something that is definitely not true of everyone I meet and know.

That said, there’s still a lot of indifference from myself on what I write here with regards to who reads it with a few notable exceptions. The one currently on my mind will remain nameless and I’ll only mention it to say that there is something eating at me and it’s incredibly frustrating not to be able to resolve it. Hence, why I’d be searching for catharsis.

Anyway, in a bid to remove myself from the mundane, I threw in ‘The Joy Luck Club’. A guilty little pleasure to bring out the soul despite at times the bad acting, semi-implausible characters and the fact that the book is better in everyway except for one or two portions of the story. Spoiler following but there’s one story that really hit hard this time around. The one major storyline that the movie (and I think book) dance around is the story of Suyuan’s story (June’s mother – the one who’s dead). Basically, during WWII, she had to flee her country-side town to escape from what I’d presume were approaching Japanese troops. She was heading to Nanking with her two twin baby girls. She was ill with dysentery but still had to make the journey alone otherwise. There comes a point where she simply did not have the strength to walk carrying her children. She makes an incredibly logical decision to leave the children on the side of the road, with all her remaining possessions with a note saying that more would be paid on the delivery of the children to their father in Nanking. She figured, and very truly, that the children would have a better chance if she did not die beside them.

I’m not entirely sure why it hit me harder this time, maybe a reflection of how I’ve grown since I’ve last watched it. Can you fathom that choice though? Can you imagine how unimaginably difficult it would be to make that choice and follow through with it? To actually lay your children down and allow yourself to accept never seeing them again? To never see their faces grow up, to never see the joys that they will have and that they will bring to you – to not even fucking know if they will survive regardless? And as you’re going, to realize you’re leaving to fucking die. To fucking die. To walk away so you would not die beside them, that your last moments in life hurt them enough to give you the will to leave them forever? I’ve gone through my own tough times (those of you who really know me…) but I’ve never dreamt of something that could be harder to do.

Anyway, forcing myself through that just harkens back to an epiphany Jordan and I talked about once – how you could first boil down all emotions to varying degrees of like four base ones and that sadness could be one of the easiest to achieve of the more profound and that it’s better to feel something than nothing to feel alive. Hence why I despise mundanity and banality.

On something lighter, I guess it’s not all that mundane around here. There’s still been a lot of stuff I’ve been up to. Despite the weather turning sour, I was able to get in a few hours of beach volleyball and at least one with a solid group of players – something I’ve lacked for years. A light rain came in but it was mostly refreshing and it was quite warm out. It was less so in the ride home but c’est la vie. Also went to Monk McQueen’s last night with Paul, his father and his girlfriend. Was a pretty good time and the food was quite good. We’ve just about got our car completely built in Supermileage and my lab is still making progress. I do miss some of my friends though.

Cheers guys.